Teatro Rockhell

2010 Christmas tree...

2011-11-01T19:43:00.001-07:00

..with flying cardinals.

Steve Jobs: Imitated, Never Duplicated

2011-10-06T00:34:00.001-07:00

http://pogue.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/06/steve-jobs-imitated-never-duplicated/?scp=1&sq=pogue%20jobs%20died&st=cse

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Thought of the day.

2011-08-13T15:52:00.000-07:00

This is the art of courage: to see things as they are and still believe that the victory lies not with those who avoid the bad, but those who taste, in living awareness, every drop of the good. ~ Victoria Lincoln

Eye shadow as art

2011-06-17T08:00:00.001-07:00

http://www.oddee.com/item_97792.aspx

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Been planking on the couch for years

2011-05-17T17:47:00.001-07:00

Who knew it was dangerous? ;-)

"Don't worry God we got this one"

2011-05-05T14:35:00.001-07:00

So Bin laden is standing before God waiting to hear his punishment, when God gets a tap on the shoulder...There behind Him stands 343 Firemen, 72 Police Officers, one K9 Officer, 3,000 American Citizens & over 5,000 American Soldiers .....

"Don't worry God we got this one"

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Sleep well Derek K Miller

2011-05-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

http://penmachine-bu.appspot.com/www.penmachine.com/2011/05/the-last-post

This last post is so poignant. Peace

Osama is dead

2011-05-01T20:18:00.001-07:00

And 3,000 souls find peace. Bless you all.

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Best autocorrect...

2011-04-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

... ever:
"The digress being soweirdearlieri votive of it."

I was trying to type:
"Facebook was so bad today I had to get off of it."

His wife...

2011-03-31T22:24:00.001-07:00

... swallows pineapples for donkey rides.

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Peppy likes Angry Birds

2011-02-11T10:02:00.001-08:00

Bear with me just testing

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My little buddies

2011-01-14T15:47:00.001-08:00

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And another

2010-12-29T12:31:00.003-08:00

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Wow new camera

2010-12-29T12:31:00.001-08:00

Loving the Panasonic Lumix LX5

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Merry Christmas from the Aumans

2010-12-17T07:34:00.001-08:00

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The relationship between testicles & cables

2010-11-27T22:01:00.001-08:00

First off someone Twittered this:
http://www.amazon.com/AudioQuest-K2-terminated-speaker-cable/dp/B000J36XR2/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
Hilarious reviews

Then farther down I noticed this...

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Winter has arrived early

2010-11-22T14:03:00.001-08:00

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Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-19T18:14:00.001-08:00

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.

TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UPTURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

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2010-10-18T21:53:00.001-07:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

2010-10-18T21:52:00.001-07:00

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Oregon Coast Trip pictures

2010-09-16T23:31:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful road trip in the Magnum. Here are some pictures.

http://web.me.com/rockhell/OregonCoast2010/Welcome.html

I told them not to park there

2010-08-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Boat-caught-up-on-rocks-near-Port-Ludlow-101261309.html

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Testing to see if this will work

2010-08-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

On the social networks.

Really want an Electra Rat Rod.

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Finally figured how to blog from my iPad

2010-08-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

I recently retired so now I can update my blog more often. The good life begins.

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Location:Middle Fork Rd,Logan Hill,United States

New gardening blog

2010-05-31T23:15:00.001-07:00

our spot - stay tuned as we try to feed ourselves
http://web.me.com/rockhell/Greens/Garden_Blog/Garden_Blog.html

Hello is there anybody in there?

2010-05-25T20:11:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted in eons. Just figuring how to do this on the iPad. Alas I can't add pictures.

Very cool time lapse video of Vancouver BC

2010-03-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

Very cool time lapse video. If you have the bandwidth watch the HD.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xMz2SnSWS4

Wonder about the Olympic bouquets?

2010-02-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

Me too

http://www.canadianfloristmag.com/content/view/2886/57/

The predominately green bouquets contain eye-catching green hypericum berries, delicate green spider mums and broad leaf greens. The foliage consists of leatherleaf fern, loops of monkey grass and aspidistra leaves. A simple royal blue ribbon is hand tied around each bouquet and the handles are also wrapped in recycled paper.

No one remembers the guy from "the thrill of victory" but everyone remembers this guy...

2010-02-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

Mopars are best

2010-02-22T20:57:00.000-08:00

Love this video. Man does it take me back to being a teen. I can hear the engines but in my mind I can smell the rich fuel as well. Mmm heaven.

My eyes

2010-02-21T19:47:00.001-08:00

Well here I am. After 42 years of glasses I am getting Lasik Surgery for vision correction on both eyes. Sitting in the eye doctor chair getting massive dilation. All systems go the surgery is on.

In honor of all the poor people with swine flu

2009-10-25T13:26:00.000-07:00

Volkswagen Bus MiniMe

2009-07-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

We were standing in the office talking on Friday morning when someone said, "Look out the window. There's a VW Bus towing a little one just like it." Sure enough it was. I grabbed the camera. This was very well done and clean as a whistle. We loved it.

One sentence stories

2009-07-03T10:52:00.000-07:00

Stories told in one sentence. Some are funny, some are poignant some are just weird. Here are a few examples:

When I was 5 or so my mom would tell me to lie down before she tied my tie and I just now realized at the age of 19 that she did this because she’s a funeral director.

My 8-year-old sister proudly declared that she knows that “WTF” means “Wow, That’s Funny” and has been using it all over the internet.

I held my father’s hand as he died in that hospital room and realized I’d never held his hand before that moment.

Today you shaved your hair into a mohawk to make my mom laugh over losing hers to chemo and today I realized that you are my hero.

When asked to name the one person absent from her life that she missed the most, she responded, “The person I hoped I’d be by this point in my life.”

I conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.

My online dating service matched me with my cousin.

Arriving home after sitting in traffic for two hours, I said to myself, “Oh, wait, I don’t live here anymore.”

As I woke up from my nap to find written on my feet “This is my momma and you can’t have her,” I realized that my child is very, very strange.

My mother called me to do a chore and i responded, “What you need, Woman,” to which my father chided, “Your mother is NOT a woman!”

Nun sense

2009-06-14T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, “Why don’t you go to hell. There aren’t any nuns there.”

Medical and Health Advise

2009-05-28T22:03:00.001-07:00

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!

50 HORRIFICALLY AWESOME SENIOR PORTRAIT

2009-05-17T17:51:00.000-07:00

Something really strange happens to people when they become high school seniors. They spend the entire year hanging out in scenic forests or standing next to wooden fences. Others seem to spend most of their senior year posing in front of their crappy cars or pretending to play guitars. Fortunately there are plenty of "professional" photographers out there to capture these magical moments.

Click on the title for more. It gets worse.

Thoughts to think about

2009-05-05T21:55:00.001-07:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes..

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Spaghetti & Hot Dogs

2009-04-25T07:45:00.001-07:00

Who would have thought such an easy thing too do would be so weird.

2009-03-04T21:41:00.001-08:00

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar and the bartenders says "Why the long face?..."

Changing careers

2009-02-16T22:50:00.000-08:00

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was just burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”

Ass study

2009-02-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat…………
10% of women think their ass is too skinny……
The remaining 60% say they don’t care, they love him, he’s a good man, and they wouldn’t trade him for the world.

pictures from my life

2009-02-05T19:44:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=101521&l=92fcc&id=640611507

Leave a comment if you have trouble with the link. Facebook claims this is a public link even you are logged in to or have an account.

Winter pictures 2008-2009

2009-02-01T00:07:00.001-08:00

Check out the pictures here or click on the title.

http://web.me.com/rockhell/winter2008-2009/DEC08WINTERSNOW.html

To the spoiled under 30 crowd from the over 30 crowd

2008-12-05T18:41:00.000-08:00

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears. With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning …. Uphill… BOTH ways. …… Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
….Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only m-net And there was no on screen menu and no remote control!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!
And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove … Imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty’s kindergarten class
Ivette — Banana Pie: You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell — Turkey: You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy — Turkey: You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.
Andrew — Pizza: Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby — Applesauce: Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, “Applesauce.” Then you eat it.
Meghan H. — Turkey: You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny — Turkey: You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon — Turkey: First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K — Chicken: You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.
Christa — Cookies: Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it’s time to eat them.
Irene — Turkey: Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it’s all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.
Moriah — Turkey: First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent — Turkey: You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn — Turkey: First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace — Turkey: First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan — Turkey: First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.
Jordan Salvatore — Turkey: First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it.
Jordan Simons — Chocolate Pudding: Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney — Turkey: Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason — Chicken Pie: Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher — Pumpkin Pie: First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine — Turkey: First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley — Chicken: Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie — Corn: My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan — Cranberry Pie: Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam — Pumpkin Pie: First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd — Deer Jerky: Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina — Turkey: Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn — Apple Pie: Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle — Spaghetti: Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey — Chicken: Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.

Nicholas — White and Brown Pudding: First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean — Turkey: Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren — Turkey: First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia — Corn: Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera — Pumpkin Pie: Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla — Turkey: Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy — Pumpkin: Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.
Wai — Pumpkin Pie: Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.

--------

Its a Redneck Thanksgiving - If…
You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.
You’ve ever re-used a paper plate.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say ‘Cool Whip’ on the side.
You’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.
Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.
Your stuffing secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.
Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

The 'other woman' in Second Life divorce

2008-11-14T23:25:00.000-08:00

And people think we are geeks. This is just weird.
Real life and online persona. Fail

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1085412/Revealed-The-woman-Second-Life-divorce--whos-engaged-web-cheat-shes-met.html

Revealed: The 'other woman' in Second Life divorce... who's now engaged to the web cheat she's never met

The new fiancee of Second Life love rat David Pollard, whose marriage crumbled when his wife caught him 'having online sex with her', was unmasked today - and denied the pair had had a cyber-affair.

Linda Brinkley, 55, known on the multi-player online game as Modesty McDonnell, revealed that since her online fling with David Pollard the couple had become engaged in real life.

But Miss Brinkley today denied that her internet love affair with Mr Pollard had led to the break-up of the 40-year-old's marriage to ex-wife Amy Taylor.

When their computer-generated selves clapped eyes on each other, she said, it was 'love at first sight'. But she claimed they weer only friends until David split with his wife.

The other woman: Linda Brinkley, now aged 55, and her avatar Modesty McDonnell

Miss Brinkley fell for David after her online character Modesty McDonnell began working as a hostess in the nightclub he runs on the web-based reality game.

Their bond in the game is now so strong that they have become engaged in real life - despite never having met outside the computer-generated world

THINKING FAST

2008-10-29T23:11:00.001-07:00

The police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over, picked out a pumpkin, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?"

Patrol officer Brenda Taylor pulled over and approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."

"I just went up and said"... "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"

"He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?'"

----

PS: yes, I know this is not a real news story. It's a joke.

Buying the wife a Taser gun…

2008-10-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

I think I’ve seen this before, but it’s so funny.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
‘If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.’

a thought

2008-10-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.   Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.   With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.   Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.  
- Max Ehrmann c.1920

Oregon Road Trip

2008-10-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

I had some vacation time to use or lose so we headed into the exotic wilds of Oregon. We were in the Bend/Sisters area. The lava fields, lakes and terrain were very scenic. Here some pictures from our Panasonics. We each have our own Lumix Model: DMC-TZ5 now. Here is an iWeb site I made with some of the best pictures we took. And we found a beautiful resort to stay in. There were still a lot of things to do there we missed due to time. I highly recommend this area for a vacation destination.
click on the heading for the link or copy paste this here
http://web.me.com/rockhell/Oregon_Trip_08/Oregon_Trip_08.html

Total BS Pontiac

2008-09-15T20:07:00.000-07:00

It's not for lack of Bread - Like the Grateful Dead

2008-09-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

Warning: Bread is dangerous

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
No sale of bread to minors
A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

Points to ponder

2008-07-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

1. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
2. Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.
3. One of the most awkward things that can happen at a bar is when your beer-to-toilet cycle become synchronized with a complete stranger.
4. You’re never quite sure whether it’s okay to eat green potato chips.
5. Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6. Reading when you’re drunk is difficult.
7. Nobody ever makes Cup-O-Soup in a bowl.
8. You never know where to look when eating an apple.
9. It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
10. There’s something manly about poking a fire with a stick.
11. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up some sort of ball.
12. You always feel a bit nervous when stroking horses.
13. The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
14. Every man has, at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
15 It’s impossible to look cool while riding in the back of a pickup truck.
16. Everybody has honked their horn while driving though a tunnel.
17. There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.
18. No one seems to know the origin of metal coat hangers.
19. Despite constant warnings, no one has ever had their face frozen while sticking out their tongue.
20. Everyone has had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Or get you to pull their finger.

Rocky the Wallaby

2008-07-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Rocky is a 10 month old Wallaby. He belongs to Angela, our summer intern at the paper. She brought him in and he was so fascinating. After watching him hop around he got in his pouch and we all took turns holding him for pictures. He was a very nice fellow and kissed my cheek. So cute!
Video on YouTube.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_1vy2HIN60A
or just click on the title.

Here are the pictures

Don't know if I want this attention for my car

2008-06-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today at work a friend/coworker came back from having a cigarette outside. She walks around the city parking lot on her smoke breaks. My car and Kelli's (another work friend) Magnum of the same color were parked together as usual. Along came two very elderly ladies, one on a cane and the other limping, both walking slow. They stopped when they saw the identical cars. They were commenting on the fact that the cars were just alike. Then one said to the other when she saw my personalized plates, "This one must support the terrorists. Look it says Iraq." (pronounced iRock) They walked off shaking their heads. I hope they don't vandalize it. I swear it's just an internet name.

Disclaimer: This is in no way intended to be a political comment just a really funny story made funnier as it is true.

The Buffalo Theory of Intelligence

2008-06-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first . This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest b rain! cell s first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

How to deal with telemarketers

2008-06-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. Cry out in surprise,”Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
5. Say “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.
9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh No!!!” and then hang up.
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me, either!” Hang up.
11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a pizza.
14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your mom?”
16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder…louder…
17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

150 things you didn’t know about the human world

2008-05-29T21:34:00.001-07:00

Here are some of them:
The women of the Tiwi tribe in the South Pacific are married at birth.
When Albert Einstein died, his final words died with him. The nurse at his side didn’t understand German.
St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, was not Irish.
St. John was the only one of the 12 Apostles to die a natural death.
Many sailors used to wear gold earrings so that they could afford a proper burial when they died.
Because they had no proper rubbish disposal system, the streets of ancient Mesopotamia became literally knee-deep in rubbish.
Before it was stopped by the British, it was the not uncommon for women in some areas of India to choose to be burnt alive on their husband’s funeral pyre.
Pogonophobia is the fear of beards.
Ivan the terrible claimed to have ‘deflowered thousands of virgins and butchered a similar number of resulting offspring’.
An American aircraft in Vietnam shot itself down with one of its own missiles.
The Anglo-Saxons believed Friday to be such an unlucky day that they ritually slaughtered any child unfortunate enough to be born on that day.
Ancient drinkers warded off the devil by clinking their cups.
In 1647 the English Parliament abolished Christmas.
Mao Rse-Tang, the first chairman of the Chinese Communist Party, was born 26 December 1893. Before his rise to power, he occupied the humble position of Assistant Librarian at the University of Peking.
Coffee is the second largest item of international commerce in the world. The largest is petrol.
In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an ‘ugly’ potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man.
Richard II died aged 33 in 1400. A hole was left in the side of his tomb so people could touch his royal head, but 376 years later some took advantage of this and stole his jawbone.
The magic word “Abracadabra” was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever.
Albert Einstein was once offered the Presidency of Israel. He declined saying he had no head for problems.
Ralph and Carolyn Cummins had 5 children between 1952 and 1966, all were born on the 20 February.
Only 1 child in 20 are born on the day predicted by the doctor.
In the 1970’s, the Rhode Island Legislature in the US entertained a proposal that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse in the State.
The ‘Hundred Years War’ lasted 116 years.
Native American Indians used to name their children after the first thing they saw as they left their tepees subsequent to the birth. Hence such strange names as Sitting Bull and Running Water.
Catherine the First of Russia, made a rule that no man was allowed to get drunk at one of her parties before nine o’clock.
At the age of 12, Martin Luther King became so depressed he tried committing suicide twice, by jumping out of his bedroom window.
It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.
The Dutch in general prefer their french fries with mayonnaise.
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf.
Peter the Great had the head of his wife’s lover cut off and put into a jar of preserving alcohol, which he then ordered to be placed by her bed.
The car manufacturer Henry Ford was awarded Hitler’s Grand Cross of the Supreme Order of the German Eagle. Henry Ford was the inventor of the assembly line, and Hitler used this knowledge of the assembly line to speed up production, and to create better and interchangeable products.
The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.
While at Havard University, Edward Kennedy was suspended for cheating on a Spanish exam.
It is a criminal offence to drive around in a dirty car in Russia.
In parts of Malaya, the women keep harems of men.
During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men’s beards.
It was quite common for the men of Ancient Greece to exercise in public .. naked.
John Paul Getty, once the richest man in the world, had a payphone in his mansion.
In 1849, David Atchison became President of the United States for just one day, and he spent most of the day sleeping.
It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term ‘testimony’ is derived from this tradition.
Paul Revere was a dentist.
Chop-suey is not a native Chinese dish, it was created in California by Chinese immigrants.
Blackbird, who was the chief of Omaha Indians, was buried sitting on his favourite horse.
George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.

Funny product labels

2008-05-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

On Tesco’s - Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — ‘Do not turn upside down.’
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — ‘Warning:contains nuts’
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — ‘Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.’ (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — ‘Product will be hot after heating.’ (…and you thought????…)
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping. (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap — ‘Directions: Use like regular soap.’ (and that would be???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — ‘Serving suggestion: Defrost.’ (but, it’s just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — ‘Do not iron clothes on body.’ (but wouldn’t this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — ‘Warning: May cause drowsiness.’ (..I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights — ‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’ (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor — ‘Not to be used for the other use.’ (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — ‘Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.’ (Step 3: say what?)
On a child’s Superman costume — ‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’ (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — ‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’ (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Inner peace

2008-05-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.

A different kind of drug problem

2008-05-18T17:24:00.000-07:00

The Other day someone at a store in our town read that a Meth Lab had been found in an old farmhouse. He asked me a rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”.
I replied I had a drug problem when I was young I was drug to church on Sunday. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and functions and to community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults, I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of a teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap. I was drug out to pull weeds from the garden. I was drug out to the homes of friends and family to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair household items, chop firewood, and if mother had ever known me to take a single dime as a tip for this kindness she would have drug me back to the woodshed!
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place. God bless the parents who “drugged” us!

This is creepy!

2008-03-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . . Don’t stop … .

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of either a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in the animals name

Almost there……..

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

Look at your palm very closely…

…and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take tform of the first letter in the persons name?!

Of course not……

Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the shit out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid games!

Back from California

2008-03-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

And what a trip. We went for the 3rd Annual LXForums Spring Fest 2008. We saw far more than that. Old friends, new friends, cars, scenery & family.
Pictures here

http://web.mac.com/rockhell/SpringFestTrip08/Welcome.html

Men... thinking they know it all

2008-02-21T19:04:00.001-08:00

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing!?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-co ntrol behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken Chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the Reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always Maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think Happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a Menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M Freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a Moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my Maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex -Wings, I will not, for one minute, miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Birthday fun

2008-02-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

Here's a funny story.
At work we have cake day the 3rd Wednesday of every month. All the people with birthdays that month get their name on it. My friend said, "Hey your name is on the cake this month, I'll bet." Now keep in mind we have been short staffed and had all kinds of extra work this week and last so I needed some fun. I hurry upstairs and see this.

I busted up laughing. I was hoping for it to just say Shelli. The funny thing is I know the cake baker. She made the cake for the Rainbow Falls meet. So now at work of course they call me Rochette. It really was funny. Then her husband, my coworker that brings the cakes in, called her and gave her a bad time. So Thursday he called me into his office and had this setting there lit. She sent it just for me.

Friday at work they wanted celebrate my birthday and I said, "No cake!" So they got me flowers and money.
And we had this.

strawberries • bananas • apples • marshmallows • peanut butter gobs (mmm the best) • Ritz crackers • saltines • pretzels
You want to see people in hog heaven. I liked the bananas.
Single guys, let me give you a tip. These things are magnets for women, almost as much as babies. We had a client come in about internet ads and the sales rep asked me a question. The client was listening to my answer and all of a sudden she focuses behind me and said, "Is that a chocolate fountain?! Wow."

Then for the topper instead of singing to me my friend Cindy played me this song on her computer.
Pretty funny.

And this is the plate I got at the Silver Salmon Grille in Astoria for my birthday dinner.

here's the Happy Ad I got.

Warning Warning

2008-01-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

Don't swallow your gum.

Wildest Christmas Dinner

2008-01-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

This is hilarious...even more so if it's true. Sounds like something that would happen at one of our family Christmas dinners.

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. 'Where are her clothes?'Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay, my brother said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?' Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny! Hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

The new Cabela's in Lacey, WA

2007-12-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

Signs Santa Has Marriage Problems

2007-12-12T21:57:00.001-08:00

He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.

Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear".

He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.

He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie.

His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.

Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.

He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom.

Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.

Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace.

Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.

People are funny

2007-12-03T10:24:00.000-08:00

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for thebar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy driveand pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car." Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replacedthe battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Doyou think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One dayshe was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the"cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problemswith their computers. One night he got a call from a woman inone of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from theback of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

8. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed thecopy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Magnum: One swell-looking American car

2007-11-14T22:04:00.000-08:00

AUTOMOTIVE NEWS

BRADFORD WERNLE

Magnum: One swell-looking American car
Quirky is lost on Chrysler's bean counters

Bradford Wernle

Automotive News | November 12, 2007 - 12:01 am EST

No sooner had Chrysler announced last week that it is killing the Dodge Magnum than an old friend e-mailed asking if I knew where he could get a Magnum cheap.

"Something tells me that 20 years from now people will be wanting that car," he said.

He's right — the Dodge Magnum will be a collector's item. There will be Magnum owners' clubs holding rallies around the country. Versions of the car will be sold on eBay to the highest bidder.

They'll be saying: "They don't make 'em like that anymore."

Of all Chrysler's rear-wheel-drive LX cars, the crowning glories of the ill-fated DaimlerChrysler era, the Magnum was my favorite. It's a seriously great looking American automobile — not some imitation of a Toyota Camry or Honda Accord but a real style statement in a class by itself.

Yes, the Magnum got some of its mechanicals from the Mercedes-Benz E class, but the styling is all-American. Along with its corporate siblings, the Chrysler 300 and Dodge Charger, the Magnum helped jump-start a revival of rear-drive cars.

Nothing bland about it

The Magnum has a soul. It has a personality, something all too lacking in the automotive transportation appliances everybody else is offering. Several weeks ago, Automotive News published a feature touting the death of the bland sedan. Then we ran pictures of a bunch of really bland sedans that were supposed to demonstrate that we were on the cusp of a high-style era.

The Magnum has style. There isn't another car on the road that looks anything like it. You can see one coming from miles away. And — bless its doomed soul — the Magnum is a full-sized station wagon, which is the most neglected and undervalued segment in the American car market.

Station wagons drive like real cars. They sit low to the ground and go around corners without leaning too much. They can be downright sporty. The Magnum is no ordinary wagon. The SRT8 version of the Magnum is a mom-mobile from gangstaland.

It took guts for Chrysler even to let the Magnum out of the design dome. It's long, low and more than a little menacing. When it first rolled off the line, it came with instant street cred. People said the Magnum had bling.

Introduced in May 2004, the Magnum got off to a strong enough start. But U.S. sales peaked in 2005 at 52,487 units and tailed off quickly after that. For the first 10 months of this year, Dodge has sold 25,561 units, a 27.4 percent fall-off from the same period last year.

Regrettably, Americans have become addicted to big SUVs and crossovers and won't buy anything that comes with the antiquated "station wagon" label. SUVs ride higher and feel safer to some people.

Nothing like it

John Wolkonowicz, analyst for Global Insight in Lexington, Mass., and a fan of rwd cars, laments the passing of the Magnum.

"I think it was nothing more than a modern interpretation of a station wagon. I think it found its market among those, like me, who like station wagons. There aren't many of us left. So, consequently, it didn't do that well. I've had young people tell me it looks like a hearse."

Like the other cars Chrysler announced it was cutting last week — the Chrysler Crossfire, Pacifica and PT Cruiser convertible — the Magnum was one-of-a-kind. The Magnum, PT Cruiser convertible and Crossfire were downright quirky. Under the cold eye of a private equity bean counter, those one-off vehicles certainly don't make fiduciary sense.

But those four vehicles are part of the colorful legacy that makes Chrysler unique and special. Let's hope the Cerberus-era Chrysler, in its rush to get rid of anything that's not turning a profit, doesn't throw the baby out with the bath water.

You may e-mail Bradford Wernle at bwernle@crain.com

Entire contents ©2007 Crain Communications, Inc.

Halloween pictures

2007-11-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

from yesterday at work. I won a free coffee for my costume. We were ravers.
Love this iWeb.

Click the title for the link.

Custom cake from Wal-Mart

2007-10-28T21:42:00.001-07:00

Some people at an office were having a going away party the other day for a woman that is leaving.

One of the supervisors called a Walmart and ordered the cake. he told them to write: “Best wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write “we will miss you”.  Here’s the cake that was delivered:

 They didn’t even spell ‘underneath’ correctly.

The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes

2007-10-22T20:55:00.001-07:00

This is funny weird but the comments enhance it even more.

Click the title for the fun.

Shop Talk

2007-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

Paper or plastic?

Last week, I was grocery shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde woman right ahead of me.

As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the grocery bagger courteously asked the blonde woman, "Paper or plastic?"

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "I'm bi-sacksual."

-------

Fancy new supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you take in the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I do not buy toilet paper there.

Sixty Uses For Table Salt (+1)

2007-10-17T19:38:00.001-07:00

Simple table salt has a great number of uses other than simply seasoning your food!
1. Soak stained hankies in salt water before washing.
2. Sprinkle salt on your shelves to keep ants away.
3. Soak fish in salt water before descaling; the scales will come off easier.
4. Put a few grains of rice in your salt shaker for easier pouring.
5. Add salt to green salads to prevent wilting.
6. Test the freshness of eggs in a cup of salt water; fresh eggs sink; bad ones float.
7. Add a little salt to your boiling water when cooking eggs; a cracked egg will stay in its shell this way.
8. A tiny pinch of salt with egg whites makes them beat up fluffier.
9. Soak wrinkled apples in a mildly salted water solution to perk them up.
10. Rub salt on your pancake griddle and your flapjacks won't stick.
11. Soak toothbrushes in salt water before you first use them; they will last longer.
12. Use salt to clean your discolored coffee pot.
13. Mix salt with turpentine to whiten your bathtub and toilet bowl.
14. Soak your nuts in salt brine overnight and they will crack out of their shells whole. Just tap the end of the shell with a hammer to break it open easily.
15. Boil clothespins in salt water before using them and they will last longer.
16. Clean brass, copper and pewter with paste made of salt and vinegar, thickened with flour
17. Add a little salt to the water your cut flowers will stand in for a longer life.
18. Pour a mound of salt on an ink spot on your carpet; let the salt soak up the stain.
19. Clean your iron by rubbing some salt on the damp cloth on the ironing surface.
20. Adding a little salt to the water when cooking foods in a double boiler will make the food cook faster.
21. Use a mixture of salt and lemon juice to clean piano keys.
22. To fill plaster holes in your walls, use equal parts of salt and starch, with just enough water to make a stiff putty.
23. Rinse a sore eye with a little salt water.
24. Mildly salted water makes an effective mouthwash. Use it hot for a sore throat gargle.
25. Dry salt sprinkled on your toothbrush makes a good tooth polisher.
26. Use salt for killing weeds in your lawn.
27. Eliminate excess suds with a sprinkle of salt.
28. A dash of salt in warm milk makes a more relaxing beverage.
29. Before using new glasses, soak them in warm salty water for awhile.
30. A dash of salt enhances the taste of tea.
31. Salt improves the taste of cooking apples.
32. Soak your clothes line in salt water to prevent your clothes from freezing to the line; likewise, use salt in your final rinse to prevent the clothes from freezing.
33. Rub any wicker furniture you may have with salt water to prevent yellowing.
34. Freshen sponges by soaking them in salt water.
35. Add raw potatoes to stews and soups that are too salty.
36. Soak enamel pans in salt water overnight and boil salt water in them next day to remove burned-on stains.
37. Clean your greens in salt water for easier removal of dirt.
38. Gelatin sets more quickly when a dash of salt is added.
39. Fruits put in mildly salted water after peeling will not discolor.
40. Fabric colors hold fast in salty water wash.
41. Milk stays fresh longer when a little salt is added.
42. Use equal parts of salt and soda for brushing your teeth.
43. Sprinkle salt in your oven before scrubbing clean.
44. Soaked discolored glass in a salt and vinegar solution to remove stains.
45. Clean greasy pans with a paper towel and salt.
46. Salty water boils faster when cooking eggs.
47. Add a pinch of salt to whipping cream to make it whip more quickly.
48. Sprinkle salt in milk-scorched pans to remove odor.
49. A dash of salt improves the taste of coffee.
50. Boil mismatched hose in salty water and they will come out matched.
51. Salt and soda will sweeten the odor of your refrigerator.
52. Cover wine-stained fabric with salt; rinse in cool water later.
53. Remove offensive odors from stove with salt and cinnamon.
54. A pinch of salt improves the flavor of cocoa.
55. To remove grease stains in clothing, mix one part salt to four parts alcohol.
56. Salt and lemon juice removes mildew.
57. Sprinkle salt between sidewalk bricks where you don't want grass growing.
58. Polish your old kerosene lamp with salt for a brighter look.
59. Remove odors from sink drainpipes with a strong, hot solution of salt water.
60. If a pie bubbles over in your oven, put a handful of salt on top of the spilled juice. The mess won't smell and will bake into a dry, light crust which will wipe off easily when the oven has cooled.
61. Flush your nose with lukewarm saltwater daily to clear sinus and stop headaches from sinusitis.

Life of a blogger

2007-10-14T20:46:00.000-07:00

This almost makes me want to quit blogging - not! Warning explicit content. Hey it's the net, don't tell me you haven't seen that before. Click on the title for the direct link to the blog or tube it here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK6l2Sfb7I4

Bug repellent salesman

2007-10-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

A salesman was traveling through the country side, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man , I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield without a stitch on,
covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you, and get everyone in the county to buy a case, and we will make you rich!"

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him, and yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like the devil! What the heck happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Glad I'm a geek and not a nerd

2007-10-10T19:22:00.000-07:00

Too funny not to post :)
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying 'Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him. "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

"I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

"Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

"Why did you do that?"

"Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

"Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em

Yikes! Shiver me timbers

2007-10-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

Video & Pics from the Volcano Run

2007-09-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Here we are, 48 cars!

This is from aliens300c. He did a fantastic job on the video plus cheerfully gave me a ride to do my own cheesy footage. Also Tork Monster did a good job on his portion. If you go to aliens300c's page, catch the two video responses as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIa9kZVr8mc

And here are my pictures of the trip.

http://web.mac.com/rockhell/volcano_run_07/MT_St_Helens_run_9-16-07.html

Halloween is coming!

2007-09-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

We started getting stuff for our costumes and it was so fun I wore my tiara all afternoon.

Road Trip Columbia Gorge

2007-09-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

We traveled the historic Columbia River Highway with stops at the viewpoint at Chanticleer Point, also Crown Point as well as Multnomah Falls. We stayed at Hood River with a room right on the water. The next day we traveled to Timberline Lodge up on Mt. Hood. After lunch we headed back down to Bonneville Hot Springs Resort to a luxurious room with our own private hot tub on the balcony. Then to Maryhill and Stonehenge and a last night in The Dalles. It was a blast! Click the title for the pics.

How geek are you?

2007-08-27T21:59:00.001-07:00

70% GeekMingle² - Free Online Dating

The Movie Quiz

2007-08-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

70%

FilmCritic.com - Movie Reviews

Because I'm a man...

2007-08-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a man...

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "tampons", "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't .. . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too Either pair of shoes is fine, with the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
____________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

NTSB

2007-08-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

New Rules

2007-08-05T09:59:00.001-07:00

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule : If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other show.

What sexual activity will you go to jail for

2007-07-28T12:33:00.001-07:00

iRock will go to jail for ...

Carrying around a gun shaped like a penis

'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com

Watch those Wally World flip flops

2007-07-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone that knows me well knows how much I like Wally World but this looks like a really horrible experience.

the story

Shelby's Mom Airwalks

2007-07-14T22:46:00.001-07:00

Independence Day

2007-07-04T16:45:00.001-07:00

What are your chances of surviving a Zombie Apocalypse?

2007-07-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

74%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Happy 4th! just cause we're so cute!

2007-07-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

Perfect Head Water Bottle

2007-07-02T09:08:00.001-07:00

oh my

If you've got a hen night coming up then of course you will want as many amusing things shaped like a penis as possible! One of these unique water bottles will help quench your thirst on a night out!

This easily refillable and reusable bottle has a penis shaped top with an attached straw in the bottle.

July 1 Happy Canada Day neighbors!

2007-07-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hope it was good one! Some of my favorite people are Canadians.

Well now you know

2007-06-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Several people on some forums I visit guessed cat perch. The hooks were fooling us at work too but after getting the idea of cat perch, I knew what to Google.
Not hooks - but braces.

What the hell is this?!

2007-06-19T07:32:00.003-07:00

This was in a White Elephant sale and we have no clue as to what it can be. Any ideas?

How the last car detail went

2007-06-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

So you drop it off at the detail shop. Ask it to be delivered to you at work. They say around Noon it will be there. At 12:30 you realize it hasn't shown up. By 1:30 you are a little anxious. By 2:00 you and your coworkers are making jokes of all the scenarios of what the detailers could be doing. By 2:30 your heart is not really on the jokes even though you quip that you are going to call the police station and ask if any Magnums have been involved in a robbery. By 3:30 your coworkers urges you to call the detailer, "just to check", to stop the hyperventilating. At 3:40 you call your husband who is surprised it is not back. He says call. You call about 4:00 and there is a message, "there is no one in our office right now". You cooly leave a message that you were just wondering how the Magnum was coming along. You are even more distracted but luckily have a light work load. You realize the gas tank is full of $50 worth of gas. -heart pounds-
About 4:40 you go over to BS with your tech buddies including your manager. You look out the window and THERE IT IS PULLING INTO THE BUMPY GRAVEL PARKING LOT YOU NEVER PARK IN! You nearly knock down your manager who is leaving for the day as you fly out the door and intercept the detailer as he is parking. You do take time to say as you pass your manager lying on the ground, "My gawd that's nice looking car." Oh sweet Jesus I can breath again! *gasp* I pay him and he is in fact very nice and mentions they had a time getting the water spots off. (We do dry it every wash but our water sucks) I say oh no hurry I was stuck at work all day and pay him and compliment him on the fine job. I go back in until he leaves and then move it around the building to the paved lot. It was so clean including the floor mats, that I took some paper off the end rolls (I work at a newspaper and these are end rolls of paper before it is printed. When they get too small for the press we use a wide format printer for full page proofs) and place in the floor boards and they will be there until we get ready to go to the M&G in Portland tomorrow. Then I get in to go home and the radio doesn't work and the A/C is blasting. Took me 30 seconds to figure out the dash lights were dimmed, the volume was clear down on the CD Player and the knobs were all clear down on the heater controls. Ahhh it's beautiful and they did a lovely job. Even under the hood.